Being a mom is something I've always wanted. A year and a half ago I resigned from my full-time job. We had been married for almost 3 years and the timing to start a family felt right. Five months later we were thrilled when I got a positive home pregnancy test. Immediately I was thrown into excitement overload. I "knew" the first trimester was a risky time so we waited until 10 weeks along before announcing the pregnancy to others. I thought that if something bad was going to happen, it would have already occurred.
Two weeks later we learned the devastating news that I had suffered a missed miscarriage. Our baby had died at 6-7 weeks along and my body hadn't gotten the message. We figure there was really only a week or so that we knew I was pregnant and the baby was still alive. I have never felt so deceived and wronged in all my life. It was as if my own body had lied to me and that made the baby's death even more difficult to process.
So we grieved and cried and hoped and prayed that God would bless us with another little life. Each month passed and not only were we not pregnant, my body seemed to have gone completely nuts following the miscarriage and nothing was normal anymore. After discussing my symptoms with my doctor she ordered weekly blood tests and an ultrasound to determine whether or not I was ovulating regularly. Praise the Lord the tests determined that everything was fine with my body and my hormones. The diagnosis was patience - ugh (not a strength of mine).
By June I was basically a wreck. My first pregnancy would have been full-term on June 18th which opened those wounds again. I was constantly anxious about getting pregnant, would lay awake at night worrying, and my blood pressure was on the rise. One night at about 3:00am, God finally got through to me that perhaps I should just give the whole situation over to Him (novel idea isn't it?). I took a TV and Internet fast and instead focused my time and attention on hearing God speak. I claimed verses about children, family, faith, and God's goodness and prayed them daily - sometimes more often if it was an especially trying day. I sought out teaching on the miracles of God, prayer, and waiting.
On July 20th I took a pregnancy test that was positive. In that one moment I was elated and terrified at the same time - thrilled to be pregnant again and scared to death that I'd have another miscarriage. This time I
knew what that pain felt like. My doctor did blood tests very early on to check my hormone levels (which were great), we had an ultrasound at 8 weeks to check on the baby (saw the heartbeat - so cool!), and we heard the heartbeat via doppler at 11, 13, 15, and 17 weeks. At 20 weeks we had our ultrasound assessment and that is when it finally set in for me that things really are okay. The baby is not just alive, but growing and developing the way it should be! Praise the Lord!
Our baby is due at the end of March and I am currently 21 weeks along. I feel the baby move every day and it's such a sweet gift of reassurance each time. I know that there is no guarantee, but I am hopeful for this pregnancy and this baby. One of my favorite things to do is pray Jeremiah 29:11-13 over the baby -
"For I know the plans I have for this baby," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper it and not to harm it, plans to give it hope and a future. Then this baby will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to it. This baby will seek me and find me when it seeks me with all its heart."I have friends who struggle with infertility much more than I did and I've met many bloggers in various stages of hoping for a family. I now pray for those women with a heart that I never would have known if it weren't for my experience. It is my prayer that my miscarriage made me a more sensitive and compassionate woman. Even though that baby was only placed in our lives for a few short weeks, it had a very big purpose and I will be forever grateful to it and to my great big God who saw fit to bless and teach me through that child's life.
God can do anything, you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, His Spirit deeply and gently within us. Ephesians 3:20 (The Message)
